What to Do When Things Change

Everyone knows that things change. We learn about it in school, from our parents and from our experience. We notice yellow leaves grace the trees in the fall instead of green ones in the summer, we see the dark clouds when the storm is coming and we notice when one of our parents goes on the very long business trip.

Change happens because it is the way the universe works. Marcus Aurelius says "Observe constantly that all things take place by change, and accustom thyself to consider that the nature of the Universe loves nothing so much as to change the things which are, and to make new things like them." It is embedded into our daily lives, it applies to our neighborhood and to our city. It affects our neighbors, our compatriots and the human kind. If we pay attention, we will see the change. It is vitally important that we are aware of the changes around us, and more importantly - within us. 

When we notice it, change is something that we see as normal occurrence, and in the same time it terrifies us. It is in human nature, and we all react the same. People tend to avoid fear, and typical reaction is to run away from it. Sometimes we just stand still until it passes. When noting else works, we face it.

Some of the greatest minds in human history contemplated change and our role in it.

Lao Tzu (Lao Tzu in Wikipedia), author of famous book "Tao Te Ching" (Way of Life) writes:

"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."

In this quote Lao Tzu mentions resistance and its consequences. If you resist change you will be unhappy. He is very specific about it and leaves no room for interpretation. I will, though, clear something up - he is referring to changes that already happened, and are currently happening. He is not saying we shouldn't do anything to effect the upcoming changes in our lives.

What examples of resistance to change can I give you, that you will recognize instantly? Here are a few sentences that are illustration of thoughts we all have sometimes:

• "Why is this happening to me?"
• "I should have bought that dress."
• "That person is really annoying. I am so upset!"
• "Where are the parents of those annoying children?"
• "I hate this rain!"
• "I would prefer it is raining now..."

One of the most beautiful quotes from one of the greatest men in the history of humanity, Mahatma Gandhi:

"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."

Gandhi teaches us that we are the ones that are the only source of our sorrow. Nobody else can control our brains and produce anger, sadness, sorrow, distress and indignation. If you wish to live a peaceful life and to be content, you have the power to do so, and you alone! This amazing quote holds another tip from Gandhi - you are responsible to do the things properly, to work as hard as you can, to make reasonable decisions and to treat people nice. When you see someone doing a bad thing, instead of getting angry at that person, teach him or her politely the right way. When person refuses your words, again - do not get angry. Nobody is required to have the same values as you, to know what you do and to behave as you think is proper. Maya Angelou said "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude."

What about changes within us? Some people believe that they do not change. They always like the same food. They always support the same football team. They always love to go to the same bar. They always hang around with the same friends.

But they do not. Are there some friends in your life that were very close to you ten or twenty years ago, and you have not heard from them in five years. I bet you haven't. Would you give the same amount of money for that fancy sneakers you wanted so much when you were 15, now that you are 30? No, you would prefer that classy shoes to wear at work. 

People change daily, bit by bit, moment by moment. They might not notice it. Even the mountains change: a tree falls, land slides, a ditch forms from heavy rains and a badger digs a hole in the ground. And this happens all the time. If the mountains change, how can we believe for an instant that we can stay the same? There is scientific evidence that we change a big number of cells in our body, so we literally are becoming a different human being. Our brain cells are dying over the yeas, and are not replaced. It is biologically normal that we think differently than ten or twenty years ago. 

What to do when difficult change happens? Marcus Aurelius gives us a hint in his book "Meditations", in Book VII:

"Let external things affect, as they please, the things which can be affected by them; let those complain of them which suffer by them. But if I can prevent any apprehension that the event is evil, I am not hurt. And it is in my power to prevent it."

Recipe is simple - you are the one responsible for how you feel, and whatever happens it's up to you to handle it. 

Famous quote from Shakespeare's "Hamlet", when Hamlet talks with king Claudius spies Guildenstern and Rosencrantz, and discusses Denmark:

"Why then 'tis none to you; for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so. To me it is a prison."

Hamlet is the prisoner of his own mind. For him Denmark is a prison, and he is unhappy. If you start thinking you are offended, distressed, wronged or angry - you become exactly that. 

The way to deal with change is to:
1. Acknowledge / see it. If you can not see it, your subconscious mind will, and will go to autopilot mode immediately. Then thinking spiral starts, and you are starting to ruminate. You can see the change only by paying attention to the present moment. That is really the only way.
2. Accept it. Even when you begin to see the change, acceptance process is starting automatically. If it does not, just stand back and observe your thoughts and feelings. Do not judge them, do not thing that you should not have those thoughts and feelings. You are having them, and that is just fine. That will lead to acceptance.
3. Let go of your thoughts and feelings. You had them, they were normal and good, but you do not want to let them run around your head like on a carousel. When observed from the distance, thoughts and feelings might go away.

This is not a guaranteed way to deal with change. Sometimes, the change will overwhelm you, and then you should just repeat the process as many times as required. You might want to meditate for a few minutes, following your breath, and returning to your breath when you notice your mind wandered. This will at least diminish your reaction, and help you make clear-headed decisions.

How do you deal with change? Please write in the comments section!