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How many times in our lives we wanted difficult day just to end? It was hard, we were tired of everything and we just wanted to go to bed.
I bet everyone had such days. It is normal and a part of being human. What are the problems with this kind of thinking?
It implies that tomorrow will be better. I will not. Or it will, but it does not matter one bit. Tomorrow will come, most probably, but now is the only time we have. Thinking it will be better tomorrow or in a week is a dangerous trap our minds set upon us, just to help us stay sane.
You believe "Tomorrow" is a real thing. It does not exist, and yet we like to think about it, and even ruminate about it like a broken record. For example, when you have a presentation in front of hundred people, day before (or week before) you start going over presentation scenarios, imagine how will you speak. You say in yourself what you will speak, again and again and again. You imagine what questions will audience ask, and you rehearse all the answers. This is mindless thinking. What you imagine will most likely never happen. The reality will be so much different. There even might not be any presentation at all!
You think you do not have what it takes. You lead yourself to believe that there is one thing that is missing, and when you acquire that thing things will be perfect. Only when you acquire that thing you will realize that you need another and another after that. Somehow, when you think about it, in all hard situations you managed quite well. The results maybe weren't perfect - but it was good. You had what it takes then, and you will.
You believe something wrong happened to you. Nothing nature throws at you can possibly be wrong. Even if you die, it is a part of life, and it is considered natural. How many people you know lived for eternity? If you do right for yourself, your family and your community, nothing wrong can happen. What is wrong - your thoughts about that event. It has already happened and it is pointless to think a lot about it. You can not change the fact it happened, and if you resist that fact you will be miserable, guaranteed. Why would you make yourself miserable? Do you like being miserable?
You are rationalizing things. You believe that if bad things did not happen to you - you would be good, you would finish that assignment, you would not be late for that meeting and your lunch would not turn to ashes in the stove. It is perfectly normal for humans to rationalize things. Without that we would be all locked out in asylums.
What we need to do?
- Be in the present moment. Understand that it is the only moment you have and will always have. Do not wish it to pass, because it will not. Do step two if you do not know how.
- Follow your breath. Do five minutes of mindful meditation, concentrate on your breath, and if thoughts and emotions come, refocus on your breath and do not beat yourself up because your mind wonders.
- Do something beneficial for you, your family and your community. Listen to reason when deciding what to do. When you do it, you will immediately feel better. You can play with your kids or take a five-minute walk in the park. Watch TV show with your spouse. Call a friend. Exercise for three minutes. All those activities are good for your family and indirectly strengthens the community in the process.
What am I missing?
I have made a claim that you will not be happier tomorrow. I claim you are happy now. What is missing is a definition of happiness.
In dictionaries they define happiness as "the state of being happy." This does not help a bit.
Then what is happiness? There is no easy answer for that question. Almost any philosophy or religion defines happiness in its own way. Those explanations differ greatly from case to case. There is even a science of happiness today.
The problem is that happiness is different for each person on our planet. There are no two people who are happy in the exactly the same way.
They all agree in one - happiness is a state. This means it can happen now and is probably happening even if we are not noticing. Let's say you feel unhappy now. If you break down your present moment, can you tell me what in the present moment is making you unhappy? You must exclude your thoughts and ideas about what makes you unhappy and see clearly if anything present in this moment is making you unhappy. I am 99% sure there is absolutely nothing, unless you are in a hospital bed or trapped in a well. Then why you are unhappy?
You are unhappy because of your thoughts created by prefrontal cortex, part of your brain tasked to imagine. No other species on Earth has prefrontal cortex and can not plan, make decisions or be unhappy about something that is not present. You can easily analyze the behavior of the gazelle after it escapes a hungry lion. One moment, it is in state of total panic running away and after it flees - it peacefully continues to graze, like nothing happened at all. A human would continue running away from the lion in his or her mind for a long time.
There is a terrific Buddhist tale of two monks that goes like this: Two monks were making a pilgrimage to venerate the relics of a great Saint. During the course of their journey, they came to a river where they met a beautiful young woman - an apparently worldly creature, dressed in expensive finery and with her hair done up in the latest fashion. She was afraid of the current and afraid of ruining her lovely clothing, so asked the brothers if they might carry her across the river.
The younger and more exacting of the brothers was offended at the very idea and turned away with an attitude of disgust. The older brother didn't hesitate, and quickly picked the woman up on his shoulders, carried her across the river, and set her down on the other side. She thanked him and went on her way, and the brother waded back through the waters.
The monks resumed their walk, the older one in perfect equanimity and enjoying the beautiful countryside, while the younger one grew more and more brooding and distracted, so much so that he could keep his silence no longer and suddenly burst out, "Brother, we are taught to avoid contact with women, and there you were, not just touching a woman, but carrying her on your shoulders!"
The older monk looked at the younger with a loving, pitiful smile and said, "Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river; you are still carrying her."
Do not carry your thoughts and feelings with you - let them go peacefully.
Large part of being happy is to rein our brain. If we manage to stay in the present moment and let our thoughts and feelings pass, we should be in the state of happiness. It is called nirvana in Buddhism.
It is not as easy as it sounds, because our minds are preconditioned to think and feel. With practice, you will be more mindful, aware of the present moment and life that happens in front of you all the time!
You think you do not have what it takes. You lead yourself to believe that there is one thing that is missing, and when you acquire that thing things will be perfect. Only when you acquire that thing you will realize that you need another and another after that. Somehow, when you think about it, in all hard situations you managed quite well. The results maybe weren't perfect - but it was good. You had what it takes then, and you will.
You believe something wrong happened to you. Nothing nature throws at you can possibly be wrong. Even if you die, it is a part of life, and it is considered natural. How many people you know lived for eternity? If you do right for yourself, your family and your community, nothing wrong can happen. What is wrong - your thoughts about that event. It has already happened and it is pointless to think a lot about it. You can not change the fact it happened, and if you resist that fact you will be miserable, guaranteed. Why would you make yourself miserable? Do you like being miserable?
You are rationalizing things. You believe that if bad things did not happen to you - you would be good, you would finish that assignment, you would not be late for that meeting and your lunch would not turn to ashes in the stove. It is perfectly normal for humans to rationalize things. Without that we would be all locked out in asylums.
What we need to do?
- Be in the present moment. Understand that it is the only moment you have and will always have. Do not wish it to pass, because it will not. Do step two if you do not know how.
- Follow your breath. Do five minutes of mindful meditation, concentrate on your breath, and if thoughts and emotions come, refocus on your breath and do not beat yourself up because your mind wonders.
- Do something beneficial for you, your family and your community. Listen to reason when deciding what to do. When you do it, you will immediately feel better. You can play with your kids or take a five-minute walk in the park. Watch TV show with your spouse. Call a friend. Exercise for three minutes. All those activities are good for your family and indirectly strengthens the community in the process.
What am I missing?
I have made a claim that you will not be happier tomorrow. I claim you are happy now. What is missing is a definition of happiness.
In dictionaries they define happiness as "the state of being happy." This does not help a bit.
Then what is happiness? There is no easy answer for that question. Almost any philosophy or religion defines happiness in its own way. Those explanations differ greatly from case to case. There is even a science of happiness today.
The problem is that happiness is different for each person on our planet. There are no two people who are happy in the exactly the same way.
They all agree in one - happiness is a state. This means it can happen now and is probably happening even if we are not noticing. Let's say you feel unhappy now. If you break down your present moment, can you tell me what in the present moment is making you unhappy? You must exclude your thoughts and ideas about what makes you unhappy and see clearly if anything present in this moment is making you unhappy. I am 99% sure there is absolutely nothing, unless you are in a hospital bed or trapped in a well. Then why you are unhappy?
You are unhappy because of your thoughts created by prefrontal cortex, part of your brain tasked to imagine. No other species on Earth has prefrontal cortex and can not plan, make decisions or be unhappy about something that is not present. You can easily analyze the behavior of the gazelle after it escapes a hungry lion. One moment, it is in state of total panic running away and after it flees - it peacefully continues to graze, like nothing happened at all. A human would continue running away from the lion in his or her mind for a long time.
There is a terrific Buddhist tale of two monks that goes like this: Two monks were making a pilgrimage to venerate the relics of a great Saint. During the course of their journey, they came to a river where they met a beautiful young woman - an apparently worldly creature, dressed in expensive finery and with her hair done up in the latest fashion. She was afraid of the current and afraid of ruining her lovely clothing, so asked the brothers if they might carry her across the river.
The younger and more exacting of the brothers was offended at the very idea and turned away with an attitude of disgust. The older brother didn't hesitate, and quickly picked the woman up on his shoulders, carried her across the river, and set her down on the other side. She thanked him and went on her way, and the brother waded back through the waters.
The monks resumed their walk, the older one in perfect equanimity and enjoying the beautiful countryside, while the younger one grew more and more brooding and distracted, so much so that he could keep his silence no longer and suddenly burst out, "Brother, we are taught to avoid contact with women, and there you were, not just touching a woman, but carrying her on your shoulders!"
The older monk looked at the younger with a loving, pitiful smile and said, "Brother, I set her down on the other side of the river; you are still carrying her."
Do not carry your thoughts and feelings with you - let them go peacefully.
Large part of being happy is to rein our brain. If we manage to stay in the present moment and let our thoughts and feelings pass, we should be in the state of happiness. It is called nirvana in Buddhism.
It is not as easy as it sounds, because our minds are preconditioned to think and feel. With practice, you will be more mindful, aware of the present moment and life that happens in front of you all the time!
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