Regret is so common. We all regretted something at one point or another. There is almost nothing in this world that you can not regret.
When something bad happens to us we regret either that fact or the fact we did not do something about it. We believe that world owes us satisfaction. We believe that nothing bad should ever happen to us.
We can regret even when good things happen. When we win second prize in the competition, we wish we won the first. When we stroll by the river, we wish we are on some exotic island beach. When we are on exotic island beach, we wish it could be a bit colder, and that a walk by the river would be refreshing. We regret that good thing is happening and we wish differently.
When we feel regret, we are making ourselves sad. We are deliberately putting ourselves down. There is no possibility that regretting could change the unwelcome thing that is bothering us. Regret usually does not lead to action, either. Regret is wishing that things are different. We regret some action/inaction in the past, but ultimately we are battling the present moment. We do not really regret past action/inaction but the outcome we witness.
Why are we all doing this? There are a lot of scientific studies explaining the underlying biology and processes that happen in our brains. I will concentrate on bigger picture. Most of the time after we regret, we are trying to rationalize things. "If only that thing happened, I would surely do differently" is the template of justifications.
Regret is defense mechanism that ensures:
1. We feel entitled to better things
2. We are capable of achieving better things when we wish
3. Others are to blame for our action/inaction
We feel entitled to better things
This is a trait mostly associated with children and adolescents. They are the ultimate ego machines, believing the world is their oyster. The process of growing up is responsible for removing such a belief, and installing more obedient approach, where we learn about earning things, working for food and clothing, investing in education. Society is relentless in molding the average people in average molds. At some point we all feel that this must not be the best there could be, and we start to regret our choices. We believe we should have better things, better education and a better job.
We are capable of achieving better things when we wish
Interestingly this belief makes us lazy. We somehow know that we are capable, and that we could change our lives for the better anytime we wish. It is just a matter of time. There is usually some "insurmountable" obstacle in place, that is preventing us to start immediately. We just need some more funds, so we wait for the next paycheck. We just need someone to help us with something first, but that person is "busy", but only in our minds; we fear that by calling that person we will need to start the hard and unpleasant work. We would travel to do it, but the kids go to school and we must wait for their school break to start.
There are a number of rationalizations to help us being dormant. We need to break out of this slumber and act. If you believe you are not good enough to do something, what makes you thing the future you will be? If the circumstances are not good now, what makes you believe they will be in the future? There is no point in procrastinating. We all know it, but we all do it. We do it regularly and think it will be better tomorrow. When it does not, we are sad or angry.
We need to start achieving better things now. We need to live our lives now. We need to be mindful about our present and act based on that. Do not let illusion of past and future stop you from doing what you love to do.
Others are to blame for our action/inaction
I have noticed that when people are publicly regretting something, they tend to paint them in a good light. When people talk to you complaining about something, they usually blame other people and events for their sad destiny. "I should not have refused that job offer" is a common sentence you hear. How is this blaming others? Accepting a job is something you will definitely discuss with your family and friends. You will even use an Internet service like Glassdoor to check out possible new employer. That makes this decision not completely yours. "If only I have listened to my mother and went to that school". This regret has also a hidden blaming arrow - your mother should have been more persuasive.
Other people and events are not to blame for our actions. If we did not shoot someone while he was attacking us with a knife, we are usually the ones to blame. There are situations which often include violence toward us, that are someone else's fault. There is a point which takes a bit of blame towards us, since we did not take precautions to avoid unwanted event (do not walk alone in the dark alleys at night, look left and right while crossing the street, learn a martial art...). Such events are so rare, that even if you live in violent neighborhood, chances are you will be fine.
What to do?
When you notice you are regretting, immediately acknowledge it. Do not feel mad because you are regretting. Accept the fact. We are human beings and regret is natural for us. Locate your regret. Find it inside your body and envelop it with soap-bubble. Let if hover there and let the bubble pop. Let you regret go. When it comes back do the same. Breathe. Count ten breaths.
Be mindful of your mind. Being regretful will not really hurt you, but it will make you sad, and possibly lead to depression, if it occurs too often.
Do you have any regrets? Voice your opinion in the comments section!
We are capable of achieving better things when we wish
Interestingly this belief makes us lazy. We somehow know that we are capable, and that we could change our lives for the better anytime we wish. It is just a matter of time. There is usually some "insurmountable" obstacle in place, that is preventing us to start immediately. We just need some more funds, so we wait for the next paycheck. We just need someone to help us with something first, but that person is "busy", but only in our minds; we fear that by calling that person we will need to start the hard and unpleasant work. We would travel to do it, but the kids go to school and we must wait for their school break to start.
There are a number of rationalizations to help us being dormant. We need to break out of this slumber and act. If you believe you are not good enough to do something, what makes you thing the future you will be? If the circumstances are not good now, what makes you believe they will be in the future? There is no point in procrastinating. We all know it, but we all do it. We do it regularly and think it will be better tomorrow. When it does not, we are sad or angry.
We need to start achieving better things now. We need to live our lives now. We need to be mindful about our present and act based on that. Do not let illusion of past and future stop you from doing what you love to do.
Others are to blame for our action/inaction
I have noticed that when people are publicly regretting something, they tend to paint them in a good light. When people talk to you complaining about something, they usually blame other people and events for their sad destiny. "I should not have refused that job offer" is a common sentence you hear. How is this blaming others? Accepting a job is something you will definitely discuss with your family and friends. You will even use an Internet service like Glassdoor to check out possible new employer. That makes this decision not completely yours. "If only I have listened to my mother and went to that school". This regret has also a hidden blaming arrow - your mother should have been more persuasive.
Other people and events are not to blame for our actions. If we did not shoot someone while he was attacking us with a knife, we are usually the ones to blame. There are situations which often include violence toward us, that are someone else's fault. There is a point which takes a bit of blame towards us, since we did not take precautions to avoid unwanted event (do not walk alone in the dark alleys at night, look left and right while crossing the street, learn a martial art...). Such events are so rare, that even if you live in violent neighborhood, chances are you will be fine.
What to do?
When you notice you are regretting, immediately acknowledge it. Do not feel mad because you are regretting. Accept the fact. We are human beings and regret is natural for us. Locate your regret. Find it inside your body and envelop it with soap-bubble. Let if hover there and let the bubble pop. Let you regret go. When it comes back do the same. Breathe. Count ten breaths.
Be mindful of your mind. Being regretful will not really hurt you, but it will make you sad, and possibly lead to depression, if it occurs too often.
Do you have any regrets? Voice your opinion in the comments section!
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