Regret is Useless

Regret is so common. We all regretted something at one point or another. There is almost nothing in this world that you can not regret.

When something bad happens to us we regret either that fact or the fact we did not do something about it. We believe that world owes us satisfaction. We believe that nothing bad should ever happen to us.

We can regret even when good things happen. When we win second prize in the competition, we wish we won the first. When we stroll by the river, we wish we are on some exotic island beach. When we are on exotic island beach, we wish it could be a bit colder, and that a walk by the river would be refreshing. We regret that good thing is happening and we wish differently.

When we feel regret, we are making ourselves sad. We are deliberately putting ourselves down. There is no possibility that regretting could change the unwelcome thing that is bothering us. Regret usually does not lead to action, either. Regret is wishing that things are different. We regret some action/inaction in the past, but ultimately we are battling the present moment. We do not really regret past action/inaction but the outcome we witness.

Why are we all doing this? There are a lot of scientific studies explaining the underlying biology and processes that happen in our brains. I will concentrate on bigger picture. Most of the time after we regret, we are trying to rationalize things. "If only that thing happened, I would surely do differently" is the template of justifications.

Regret is defense mechanism that ensures:

1. We feel entitled to better things

2. We are capable of achieving better things when we wish

3. Others are to blame for our action/inaction

We feel entitled to better things

This is a trait mostly associated with children and adolescents. They are the ultimate ego machines, believing the world is their oyster. The process of growing up is responsible for removing such a belief, and installing more obedient approach, where we learn about earning things, working for food and clothing, investing in education. Society is relentless in molding the average people in average molds. At some point we all feel that this must not be the best there could be, and we start to regret our choices. We believe we should have better things, better education and a better job. 

We are capable of achieving better things when we wish

Interestingly this belief makes us lazy. We somehow know that we are capable, and that we could change our lives for the better anytime we wish. It is just a matter of time. There is usually some "insurmountable" obstacle in place, that is preventing us to start immediately. We just need some more funds, so we wait for the next paycheck. We just need someone to help us with something first, but that person is "busy", but only in our minds; we fear that by calling that person we will need to start the hard and unpleasant work. We would travel to do it, but the kids go to school and we must wait for their school break to start. 

There are a number of rationalizations to help us being dormant. We need to break out of this slumber and act. If you believe you are not good enough to do something, what makes you thing the future you will be? If the circumstances are not good now, what makes you believe they will be in the future? There is no point in procrastinating. We all know it, but we all do it. We do it regularly and think it will be better tomorrow. When it does not, we are sad or angry. 

We need to start achieving better things now. We need to live our lives now. We need to be mindful about our present and act based on that. Do not let illusion of past and future stop you from doing what you love to do.

Others are to blame for our action/inaction

I have noticed that when people are publicly regretting something, they tend to paint them in a good light. When people talk to you complaining about something, they usually blame other people and events for their sad destiny. "I should not have refused that job offer" is a common sentence you hear. How is this blaming others? Accepting a job is something you will definitely discuss with your family and friends. You will even use an Internet service like Glassdoor to check out possible new employer. That makes this decision not completely yours. "If only I have listened to my mother and went to that school". This regret has also a hidden blaming arrow - your mother should have been more persuasive. 

Other people and events are not to blame for our actions. If we did not shoot someone while he was attacking us with a knife, we are usually the ones to blame. There are situations which often include violence toward us, that are someone else's fault. There is a point which takes a bit of blame towards us, since we did not take precautions to avoid unwanted event (do not walk alone in the dark alleys at night, look left and right while crossing the street, learn a martial art...). Such events are so rare, that even if you live in violent neighborhood, chances are you will be fine.

What to do?

When you notice you are regretting, immediately acknowledge it. Do not feel mad because you are regretting. Accept the fact. We are human beings and regret is natural for us. Locate your regret. Find it inside your body and envelop it with soap-bubble. Let if hover there and let the bubble pop. Let you regret go. When it comes back do the same. Breathe. Count ten breaths. 

Be mindful of your mind. Being regretful will not really hurt you, but it will make you sad, and possibly lead to depression, if it occurs too often.

Do you have any regrets? Voice your opinion in the comments section!

Why Past and Future Do Not Exist and What to Do About It?

photo credit: h.koppdelaney via photopin cc

What is time? Searching Wikipedia I have found the definition: "Time is a dimension and measure in which events can be ordered from the past through the present into the future, and also the measure of duration of events and the intervals between them.", which sounds about right.

The key word in definition is "measure", which suggests that we use time to measure something. Is there any other measure that we use every day? We measure length using meters or yards, we measure temperature using degrees Celsius or Fahrenheit.

Therefore I conclude that measure is not a real thing, it does not exist in a real world. We can not catch, hold, buy, sell, bury or eat nor time or length. We can not throw temperature away when we feel hot or cold. Therefore, measures do not exist. We invented them, and use them chiefly to communicate. We can say that it is 32 degrees Celsius outside, and everyone knows that they should wear shorts and t-shirts. We can meet someone at the cinema exactly at 8 o'clock, so we can watch a movie together.

Marcus Aurelius talks about this in his brilliant book "Meditations", in book 6, paragraph 49:

"Thou art not dissatisfied, I suppose, because thou weighest only so many litre and not three hundred. Be not dissatisfied then that thou must live only so many years and not more; for as thou art satisfied with the amount of substance which has been assigned to thee, so be content with the time."

When we think about past and future, we are exploring non-existing things. "But I have memories, you can't tell me they are not real!", was my reaction when I read about this subject. I could understand this concept about future because it did not happen yet, but I could not deny the past.

In the book The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle writes:

"Time isn't precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is."

What he is teaching us is that any point in the past was actually the present moment. The time, thirty years ago, when I was camping in Greece with my parents was the present moment then. The time my daughter was born was also the present moment. The same goes for the future. In ten minutes, it will still be now. Tomorrow will be now and anytime will be now.

I found this model a bit confusing at first, but quickly understood its value and its truthfulness. The logic is unbreakable. For me, the student of mathematics and Aristotle's logic, and on top of it a computer programmer - logic is obviously the key argument.

Following this logic, I accepted that past and future do not exist, and that all that exist is the present moment (Eckhart's "Now" with capital N). More so, every single point in the past and in the future was or will be - now. Everything that happened and will happen was or will be exactly now. To my amazement this led me to deduce that I live my whole life now, and that everyone else does, too.

As you can imagine, that conclusion destroyed my understanding of the past and the future, and eliminated time as a factor in my life. I understood that if I wanted to live my life I have to live it in the present moment. Every time my mind wonders in memories, or when it starts mindlessly thinking about what will be, I stop living. I become mindless.

I will quote Jon Kabat-Zinn's definition of mindfulness:

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way; On purpose, in the present moment, and non judgmentally.”

This quote gave me the practical instruction how to live in the present moment - I have to be mindful. He also mentions the present moment, which is one of the key concepts of mindfulness. I will cover other parts of this definition in later posts.

Jon Kabat-Zinn also says:

"We take care of the future best by taking care of the present now."

He means that what we do now directly influences our future. One important thing - he talks about "taking care" of the present now. That implies action. That also implies that mindless thinking about the future is not what we should do.

Alas, we all do ruminate (definition of rumination). It is part of human nature. Whenever we are in a distressing situation we tend to obsessively think about our plight, sometimes planning ahead and sometimes thinking of the past trouble. You know when you think about some event in the future, some important business presentation to deliver. You explore every possible scenario. You rehearse endlessly what you will say and what people will ask you. You repeatedly do it, sometimes for hours. It's like a broken record playing in your head, and it is very difficult to stop.

The same thing happens when you are in a romantic relationship, particularly when there is some problem. Someone had offended you, done something wrong. You will endlessly think about what you should have said or did. You think about how you will repay the insult, over and over again.

We also react similarly in much less difficult situations, such as when someone cuts the line in the grocery store. We are feeling distressed, and think over and over what should you do. Sometimes, long after you get home, the incident comes back in your mind, and you ruminate again.

If we do not control this, it can lead to very serious conditions, such as depression disorders.

How can we avoid this? One of the methods is meditation. By meditating ten minutes a day, you can achieve to become more aware of your surroundings, your thoughts and your feelings. In this blog I will discuss some meditation techniques, in later posts.

One of the most common ways to practice meditation is to close your eyes and follow your breath. That's about it. Whenever your mind wanders, and it most certainly will, you gently bring back your attention to the breath. Try this for even three minutes, and you will see what I am talking about.

Mindfulness meditation by following your breath is extremely simple, but it is not easy by any means. You will need to practice it daily. This practice is very similar to common exercise, and the difference is you practice your brain instead your muscles. Note that I wrote "brain" and not "mind", since by meditating you are influencing your brain structure (in a positive way). 

Just to drop the possibility this is some mumbo jumbo, I will share a link to Psychology Today's article "Use Your Mind to Change Your Brain", written by  Rebecca Gladding, M.D. There is multitude of scientific proof available to substantiate meditation as a "real thing", and not some eastern religious Buddhist fabrication.

Conclusion is that we can live in the present moment, by practicing mindfulness. Return and read definition of mindfulness once more.

For me, it is beautiful way to live my life. I am by no means mindful all the time, as some meditation masters claim. I am just an ordinary guy, and I meditate daily at least 10 minutes. Even with that practice, I spend most of my day not mindful. For me it is difficult to be aware, but after a year of practice, I am living in the Now for longer intervals. I feel less stressed and I am able to "intercept" stressful thoughts and feelings and let them go. Not all of them, of course.